September 11, 2018

Who the FUCK shows up to a date with dirt under their nails?  Not just one nail - several nails??? Who shows up to a date with dirty HANDS? Who shows up to a date with a HOLE in the back of their shirt? 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO I END UP WITH THEM? 

HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE FOR A DATE? 

WHY DID WE SPLIT THE BILL UNEVENLY?  I ORDERED WAY LESS THAN YOU. 

Being cute isn't even worth it in this case - I'm just grossed out.  

September 3, 2018

Menstrual blood in a dream: "Menstrual blood may symbolize fertility, femininity and feminine energy; or a a loss or denial of your femininity. It may also represent anxiety over having or missing your period or a warning that your period is about to begin. Your period may represent a cyclic or recurring event. It may also be a pun on 'Period!' as in 'The End. There's no point in going any further.'"

Pregnancy in dreams: "To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities."

Last night I had a similar dream to the one I had after my ex left me.  In this dream, I was pregnant (not far along) but kept bleeding from my vagina.  The blood leaked onto my clothing and anywhere I sat.  I've thought about you a lot in the last month.  I wondered what we are or could be.  I stressed out over if you liked me or if I was doing something wrong.  The thing that makes me laugh is that in the way that you don't feel a spark between us, I really don't either.  You are not my normal "type" and you're ridiculous (in a good way, but in a way that could really drive me crazy).  We work really well as friends and nothing else.  So I laugh because I put such an emphasis on US - on YOU.  

Despite that, my subconscious felt the loss after last night.  That loss was the possibility of us attempting a friendly, but sexual relationship.  I get it and I am completely okay with how things worked out.  I'm proud of myself for stating my needs and asking and I'm thankful you still want to be in my life and respect me enough to be honest with me.  But it must have gotten to me because that dream was painful.  I woke up replaying the night and the texts although I was OKAY with how it went and I know I didn't do ANYTHING wrong.  And really, neither did you.  

But a loss is a loss? If the blood symbolized that, I'm hoping the pregnancy symbolizes either us moving forward and forging a strong friendship, or something within myself that is trying to work itself out.  Either way, I am open to the possibilities and today is the first day in nearly 5 weeks that I haven't stressed out over you or where we stood.  I am so grateful to have that.  And I think I'm also grateful to have you in my life though it still feels very strange making a new friend, but that person also being someone you've already slept with.  I've decided to take this in stride and enjoy the times we have together while continuing to navigate through my own bullsht.