I need a thing I can do really well that isn't just loving people.
Tuesday, February 16, 2021
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
4/1/2019
You ask why we don't hang out
is it the
twisting
pulling
bending
my body now rebels against?
is it the
static
tribulation
unsteadiness
of my left foot/life?
6/11/2019
Before I was the woman who loves you, I was a lot of things.
A daughter
A sister
An advocate to many
A friend
A whole person
I was whole long before I met you. Cracked and fading, but whole. And I will still be whole when you leave me.
A daughter
A sister
An advocate to many
A friend
A whole person
I was whole long before I met you. Cracked and fading, but whole. And I will still be whole when you leave me.
5/17/2019
I was in the same position just a few months ago. Different side of the bed, same blank state as my eyes welled up and I pushed out another load of sobs. I wanted to die. I wanted the bed to suck me in so the pain would stop.
Autumn was right around the corner. So much was ahead of me and I had no idea. You, my surgery - life. I chose to live. I never regret that decision. It led me to you, to healing, to being able to look back while now in the middle of spring and see how far I've come.
But now I have to feel this again. With the same album on and the same tears in my eyes. I know my bed won't envelop me and that even through the heaviest of cries I'm going to open my eyes and still be alive.
But I'm glad for that now.
Autumn was right around the corner. So much was ahead of me and I had no idea. You, my surgery - life. I chose to live. I never regret that decision. It led me to you, to healing, to being able to look back while now in the middle of spring and see how far I've come.
But now I have to feel this again. With the same album on and the same tears in my eyes. I know my bed won't envelop me and that even through the heaviest of cries I'm going to open my eyes and still be alive.
But I'm glad for that now.
3/21/2019
I keep forgetting that my gait still isn't stable
I keep forgetting that men can taken you in bed with no intentions of taking you seriously
I keep forgetting that we all operate on different time tables in different frequencies and I don't fit into most of them
I keep forgetting how desperate and hungry I was last year
I keep forgetting that I'm dealing with things that are far too heavy to carry on my own
I keep forgetting how lonely it is to navigate my own headspace
I keep forgetting, and then unfortunately, remembering
I keep forgetting that men can taken you in bed with no intentions of taking you seriously
I keep forgetting that we all operate on different time tables in different frequencies and I don't fit into most of them
I keep forgetting how desperate and hungry I was last year
I keep forgetting that I'm dealing with things that are far too heavy to carry on my own
I keep forgetting how lonely it is to navigate my own headspace
I keep forgetting, and then unfortunately, remembering
3/1/2019 One Year
It's been a year. I no longer have your scent in my nose or your voice in my head. You're a distant memory - a memory I wish I could completely erase.
I gave you my 20's. The years where I'm supposed to be finding myself and exploring everything. No, I held onto you for dear life and ignored the ocean between us and the years that were passing.
As you continuously let me down, I made excuses for you. As you talked down to me about my fucking body, I continued to make excuses for such harsh words. The last time we fucked I started to cry because all I could hear were the words you had said the year before. You acted as if I was crazy for still thinking about it.
You were never good for me. You were a comfort and a ticket to the country I've wanted to live in since I was a child.
I'm not bitter or sad in the least - I'm fucking ELATED. I will never get that time back, but I found myself in other ways. I also got to explore a bit and realized I'm good y'all, thanks! I've seen that men (maybe just 1 IDK) can be caring and kind without expecting anything in return. I've had to unlearn a lot and I'm still working on so much when it comes to relationships, but I think I'm close to figuring it out (as much as one can). My heart feels open again.
I know I will think about you randomly for the rest of my life. But they aren't fond memories. You are the picture of what I never want again. You are a lesson I learned and never want to repeat.
I gave you my 20's. The years where I'm supposed to be finding myself and exploring everything. No, I held onto you for dear life and ignored the ocean between us and the years that were passing.
As you continuously let me down, I made excuses for you. As you talked down to me about my fucking body, I continued to make excuses for such harsh words. The last time we fucked I started to cry because all I could hear were the words you had said the year before. You acted as if I was crazy for still thinking about it.
You were never good for me. You were a comfort and a ticket to the country I've wanted to live in since I was a child.
I'm not bitter or sad in the least - I'm fucking ELATED. I will never get that time back, but I found myself in other ways. I also got to explore a bit and realized I'm good y'all, thanks! I've seen that men (maybe just 1 IDK) can be caring and kind without expecting anything in return. I've had to unlearn a lot and I'm still working on so much when it comes to relationships, but I think I'm close to figuring it out (as much as one can). My heart feels open again.
I know I will think about you randomly for the rest of my life. But they aren't fond memories. You are the picture of what I never want again. You are a lesson I learned and never want to repeat.
1/4/2019
You told me that my name autocorrects to having several H's in your phone
Because that's how you convey your excitement about me to your friends through text
Because that's how you convey your excitement about me to your friends through text
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