August 22, 2018

Today I wanted to be invisible.  This is something I have tried on at various times throughout my life.

At 9, it showed up in the form of wanting to end my life if I could not look like Britney Spears.  Despite the love I received as a child, that nagging voice telling me my body wasn't right stuck around until it became so loud it nearly consumed me.

That voice stayed and showed up at the most inconvenient times (as it does).  One of the most memorable was in 2010 when I went through a mild eating disorder.  The stress and anxiety I felt during a huge life change propelled me to act on strange impulses.  The choices I made at that time continue to affect me, and I believe they always will.

But then came the brain shit - the miswirings I had no idea I was dealing with until 2010-2012.  This was a continuation of what I had been going through my whole life, but now it was amplified and diagnosable.

This now plays a part in my wanting to hide.  It is why I will disappear from some friends' lives for undisclosed amounts of time and why my moods can be a shit storm and come out of nowhere.  Through the constant battle in my brain, I am still having to deal with this.  When I get dressed, when I leave the house on my own, when I eat, when I go anywhere where I have to take up space.

Today was one of those days.  I have felt like an open wound all day - exposed and vulnerable to infection.  Getting dressed hurt.  I found myself second guessing my whole outfit, which was composed of things I love.  The print felt too loud, the way I tied my shirt on the side felt like I was trying too hard - who do I think I am?  I looked at myself from the front side, back, in every mirror a few times before I decided I could not play this game with my brain today.  Going out into the public alone can be very difficult for me.  I find myself worrying that everyone is looking at me and can see what a hard time I've having.  Vulnerability.

These days are hard - most days are hard.  The internal struggle with my brain feels neverending.  I have not formulated an exact science on how to take care of or even handle myself on these days.  There are temporary vices I'll take part in.  But like my mood swings, I feel that the pendulum eventually swings back and I am again at square 1, not knowing what the next day will bring.